If someone had told me I’d have 59 days of straight vomit, with 3 days of reprieve, only to be right back at vomit again, I just plain wouldn’t be able to do it. And it hasn’t been the vomit so much as the 24/7 nausea. Like getting up to pee in the middle of the night and discovering you’re nauseated. And then getting all stressed to fall back asleep FAST because at least in your dreams you’re not ready to wretch.
At first it really scared my kids, the sudden vomit at the kitchen sink, the frequency. But then, they got used to it. It’d be time for them to wash up from breakfast and I’d hear them tell Thom, “oh, I’ll just use the bathroom sink, mommy is throwing up in the kitchen”…awesome.
So yeah, it’s been hard feeling so physically sick. But it’s the lack of gentle mama during that day for my kids that really gets me. Hard. I’ve yelled and repented almost daily. My kids have been scared of me, told me my tone was unkind, asked for daddy instead and been stuck in nap time far past when they should have been.
Recently we had an especially rough day. I yelled them to naps and they were silent for the next 4 hours. I sat on the couch with a migraine and just cried. For 4 hours. My heart hurt. My lack of patience was disgusting. The way my children looked at me with fear and ran to their beds as their safe place kept playing in my head. And I asked the Lord, frustrated, why He had not provided a way out today–somewhere else my kids could have gone, someone else to care for them better. The migraine took a back seat.
When they woke up, I went to each child and told them I was wrong, they never should have been yelled at and then more specifics depending on the child. I even said these things to Oliver and he’s 14 months old. I fought the tears hard because they deserved to hear every word of repentance and as well as being asked for forgiveness.
They were forgiving and moved to the kitchen table to draw pictures until daddy got home, another hour. I was back on the couch and they brought me pictures of “happy suns” and “big huge flowers for you mom”. How did they find joy in this awful, awful day? I had truly made their lives a living hell yet they were quick to forgive.
I sobbed to Thom that night. How horrible I had been. How my sin hurts those I love the most. In my blubbering it all came out.
God the Father, their Father, took care of Tee, Catcher and Oliver that day in spite of me. He was their safe place. He brought them rest. He gave them joy. And He was even gracious enough to give them forgetful minds at the end of the day. From their mother.
I want that control so badly. The control to make it better for my kids; even when I’m the problem. The repentance part came easily. But accepting their forgiveness and getting out-of-the-way for their path to the cross was so difficult.
I’m learning I sit with the shame of my sin as if there is still something to mull over. I am not resting in the refreshment of a completed work in the Lord. I feel like I’ve found one burden too heavy for Him. Too unforgivable, so to speak. What’s unforgivable is that I want to save my children or be their savior or think that living perfectly in front of them will save them. I don’t really think this, but apparently my actions prove otherwise. Gross.
A friend texted me that afternoon and said I’m not a good mother because I made myself to be one, but I’m a good mother because God makes me a good one. She has no idea how that spoke truth to me in that moment (well, she does now). Truth is refreshing. Seeing my sin coupled with the way out is refreshing. Walking in light is refreshing and it brings relief to a weary heart trying to do it without the author of perfect.
So I’ve been bloggy world silent because my home and heart are at full volume, full capacity. It takes everything plus much more most days to make a day for my kids involving food, some fresh air, sleep and decent hygiene. I’ve learned limits I’m not used to. And I’ve been forced to let a lot go these last few months.
I think about 8 weeks pregnant was my mental break down–I can’t keep this up! How long will this go on? I knew at 13 weeks the placenta would be developed and take over the hormone production for the babe. And at 13 weeks, I did feel a difference. The nausea wasn’t 24/7. There was some sanity again.
At 10 weeks pregnant I suspected the flutters in my belly to be my tiny babe. At 11 weeks, I was sure of it. At 14 weeks, Thom felt the kicks. It was a sweet connection to have to this little life we love so much but also think they might be trying to kill me.
This morning we woke up to the 2nd trimester, 15 weeks preggo pops! I have a little, hard grapefruit ball low in my belly and the normal nausea and headaches. But there is also hope. That we have been through the sickest? I need to believe we have.
We are now dreaming about discovering what our family will look like. The gender reveal will be very end of November. The names are picked out–they are names that have been with us since before we had kids. They feel familiar, like our children. We are excited and eager to learn what our family has always looked like.
While I’ve been out, life has been happening around our house. Tee got a short hair cut and he is ca-ute! Catch potty trained, basically in a day. Blessing straight from the Lord I tell you, unbelievable. He’s even dry during naps and at night. It’s a beautiful thing. Olly has become a little boy in some ways–wrestling with his brothers, eating with silverware and sitting at the table without a tray. I love my little men and will share pics soon. I’ve got a great one of Tee’s hair…and even Catcher’s first poop in the potty. I know you’ll stay tuned for that.
Ahh… you have me in tears. I absolutely can’t imagine how difficult this has been. The few times I’ve had a migraine or been sick and have had to take care of Grace I did not know that either of us were going to survive. I don’t know how you’ve done it this long with 3 little ones. I’m glad you are feeling better though!
You didn’t have this much nausea with your other pregnancies, did you? I’m gonna go ahead and guess GIRL! 🙂
Aww Jen, you know if you ever need a non-Wednesday night reprive, just give me a shout. I’m happy to hang out with the Cunningham boys 🙂
Oh, so wonderful to read something from you.
Love you SO, gal!
Looking forward to the pics – especially Tee’s haircut.
Your honesty is refreshing, had me in tears & your advice via typewriter at the baby shower has been on my mind ever since I first read it.
“The best gift you can give your child is modeling repentance for them.”
Jesus shines His love to your kids through you SO often, and occasionally despite of you. And how wonderful that He’s shining His love to you through them in this time that you’ve been so sick.
I’m ditto on the tears, here.
This is such a familiar tune — not the nausea (though I’ve been there, not as severely) but being at a place at the end of the day where my actions toward my kids feel unforgivable. And not believing that God’s good work includes our failing our children — the amazing gifts He’s given us. You’ve written it beautifully and honestly here, and I appreciate it.
I hope much relief is just around the corner. For me, the magic number was always 17 weeks ; )
Oh Jen! I loved reading this and could relate on so many levels! I need to be reminded so often that the Lord is the one who will save my precious ones, and not me or my perfect example (HA!), or even my diligence in praying and training (all of which are so flawed and broken). loved being reminded of who their Father is and who loves them even more than we do and who will care for them in spite of us. Thanks for being real! I truly believe it glorifies God as it blesses other moms (like me) and points all of us to HIM and his all sufficiency.
Also, so sorry it has been so rough for you physically. If there is ANYTHING I can do for you, please let me know. Seriously. Even if it means coming over one morning with the girls and playing iwth all of them while you take a rest. And I will definitely pray for you.
You are a blessed woman! reading about the flutters made my uterus (and heart) ache for some flutters of my own…
much love!
You have no idea, but every idea as to how much I needed to read that truth today. And yesterday. And tomorrow. I’ll just bookmark it. Thank you for your heart and for the window into your dark time and the truth that He is so faithful. You are such a precious mamma.
jen, i can relate in so many ways…thank you for being so real and transparent…i needed to hear this and be reminded of the gospel!! i’m hoping you’re feeling better. I’m 16 weeks and feeling much better. Hooray for not throwing up, but I’m also hoping to feel hungry again soon. i’m so excited we’re finding out the same day…very fun!! wishing we could get our boys together for a play date…florida and alabama aren’t THAT far away, are they?? 🙂
thank you friends…thank you for hearing me through my muck and sitting on the floor with me. I’m thankful for your words…
And Kim, while I’m sure we make only boys, this preg has def been the hardest! We find out Nov 29th and of course I will share…
Sarah, can’t wait to get back on old Mae street 🙂 I’m loving having you around during the day…
LA, the repentance thing is PAINFUL. And a must to go through. Looking forward to seeing yall Sat!
Katy, I’m encouraged to hear people’s “magic number”. I hope mine is 17…even if it’s not, I’m thinking is has to come one day, right?!
SB, wish you lived downtown!
Maggs, I like how we speak in writing to one another…it will fair us very well when you’re in india…but I’ll still miss your face. A lot.
Ella, we can’t talk about play dates. Your boys. My boys. It’d be such a dream! I’m so thankful you’re feeling better!!
I want to see the ca ute pictures of Tee and Cathchy’s poop.