Happy first birthday Atticus!

It’s been a year, dear one! A year since we all laid eyes on you! That red hair, cheekbones, heart-shaped tongue tie…You had the biggest hands when you came out and a loud cry.

Your dad and I couldn’t get enough of you those first 24 hours. Trying to take it all in, your sweetness…it was like our eyes couldn’t see you enough!

Your brother’s adore you. They established that very first day of your life the drive by kiss. It was impossible for any of them to be in the room with you and not kiss you.

Life became sweeter just a year ago today because of you, cherished Atticus!

You made it!  We did it!  Happy first birthday!

Loving you is so easy…

Atticus

May 1, 2012

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A year ago tonight: the eve of Attie’s first birthday

I’m reflecting on the darkest night of my life, one year ago tonight.

Those hours with a predictable rhythm as wave after wave of contraction pushed Attie closer and closer to meeting his family. I didn’t know he was about to rip his placenta from my uterine wall. I didn’t know that type of stabbing pain yet. I didn’t know I was going to feel that silence, darkness and power of death.

Those moments before his head emerged, I believed he was dying. Little did I know my blood was pooling from the placenta ripping. I would have a placenta sized clot come out right after him. And the blood just kept coming.

But I pushed him out, ready to rip apart to make way if he needed it, knowing there was no more time.

I look back at these pictures at a woman I no longer am. Attie has changed me. That sort of despair at the feeling of death changed me. Feeling as if I’ve been cut off at my knees in a slow recovery changed me.

I don’t understand what the Lord’s plan was for the events of that night. But I do understand I need Him more today than a year ago today. There are new eyes to see my utter despair and His complete sustenance.

In all of the “little did I knows” of that night, He knew it all.

And there are eyes to see my thriving 11-month-and-30-day-old-red-headed-baby-boy and thank God for filling our arms with this bountiful gift. I understand a year ago tonight this wasn’t guaranteed the outcome. From the depths flow gratitude. Gratitude grown from pain goes deep and takes root, I’m finding.

Praise you, Lord, that in all the foreshadowing these pictures hold for me, the rawness, the pain, the fear of what was to come hours later, You were in control. I don’t have to look back on these images and run to warn of a scary road ahead. You were there. You did not forsake me. Praise You for this journey and praise You for the deep cry from Attie that filled the room with life one year ago tonight.

Atticus

April 30, 2012

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Blessed is the swim instructor of toddlers. And brave.

It’s a fresh little crew starting out their 2012 swim lessons. The goggle clad Tee and Catch are somewhat self-sustained in the pool (they won’t sink like a rock). And those toddlers, Olivia, Reese, Brooks and Ollie, well, they will fearlessly and eagerly…sink like a rock.

We have a wonderful swim instructor and a beautiful setting to teach our Florida babies how to enjoy the water! We are hopeful for kicking legs, blowing bubbles and floating in about a week.

We did learn this today: take more pictures because the chaos of cuteness doesn’t stop. Must be captured. Furthermore, they all get really hungry. More food needed. Lots more food.

Attie and Truett were there. They are dragged all over the place and are super troopers. They should be in some of these pics with their hands raised as “PRESENT, I didn’t have a choice but present!”.

There is never enough time for all the turns on the big tree swing. Start earlier with the turns.

And last but not least, that grunt thing Ollie does towards me when he’s being a pill, yep, he’ll do it at his (patient) swim instructor too. Just drawing out the sin patterns…one swim lesson at a time.

On to day 2!

Atticus, Boys, Catcher, Friends, Oliver, Tee

April 27, 2012

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Ollie has the best bed head

I get the biggest kick out of this kid! He naps hard in the afternoon…then wanders, slowly, downstairs holding his blanket, thumb in mouth. He is warm and soft and squishy with a feathery mop on his head. It’s a treat to catch him at the bottom of the stairs still covered in nap…and quickly then my kisses!

Oliver

April 26, 2012

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Boys love dirt

They take one step into our backyard and come back looking like this. Head to toe. In between their toes. In their hair and under their nails. In every crack and fold, there is dirt.

They fill boxes with dirt and watch it flow down the slide. Digging holes they discover wiggly worms and build piles to blast their cars through. It’s transported in trunks, buckets, flower pots, shovels, pockets, hats and cupped hands. It fills the vessels of their limitless imaginations.

I’d love some grass in our backyard. But this dirt offers my boys joyful hours in their childhood.

Can you smell their warm hair? It’s the smell of soft dirt, all minerally and bright sun.

Dirt makes for long play hours, big appetites, drained water bottles, deep rest and snuggly little bookworms after baths. I’m starting to see I wouldn’t change this dirt for gold…or grass.

Boys, Catcher, Tee

April 26, 2012

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Easter food: resurrection rolls and rainbow cake

These rolls were a total blast. I used a quick rise dinner roll recipe and they were light and yeasty. The boys took marshmallows representing Jesus, dipped them in melted butter (oil to prepare His body for burial), then rolled them in cinnamon sugar (the burial clothes). We set these in the middle of a roll and pinched the edges well. Another quick rise and popped them in the oven.

It was so fun to open the rolls and find the empty tomb! The boys couldn’t get over it, the sheer excitement…they sure were tasty too.

And then the rainbow cake. I think we’ll rename it “covenant cake”. I followed the directions exactly and everything came out just as planned. The swiss meringue icing was amazing. Definitely my new go to for frosting, so beautiful and smooth with good structure.  I much prefer the lemon extract to cut down on the cloying nature of frosting.

This cake tasted great, but I found it lacking. I think it was the brightly colored layers tricking you into expecting flavors from those layers. Instead, while vanilla cake is delish, it left my brain to mouth connection confused. I want to do this cake with vanilla/chocolate layers next. It makes a beautifully tall cake!  If I do the rainbow layers again, I’ll be experimenting with veggie based food coloring. Let’s just say nourishing was not top on the list for rainbow cake. Or resurrection rolls for that matter. But the visuals were just perfect!

Easter

April 17, 2012

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Dear Amanda, it’s been 3 years

Dear Aman,

A loud airplane went by tonight while the boys were just down for bed.  The sound scared Ollie and, 2 hours later, he’s still struggling to get to sleep.  He was begging me to sleep with him, so I laid down and began to sing “when loud airplanes are in the sky and I’m scare, God takes care of me, God takes care of me“.  He then asked if lightning is scary.  So I sang the same song with lightning.  And dogs. And the dryer buzzer that he hates.  In his world, these things are huge.

And tonight I’m stung by the simple words I’m singing to him.  He’s comforted by the truth that God takes care of him.  But how badly I want to sing “God takes the loud noise away, God makes sure the lightening doesn’t strike, God will not let the dog hurt you“.  How much I want to make sense of God to fill all the scary places, to fill all the brokenness.

Today is awful.  Simply, deeply and complicated-ly awful.

Addie isn’t here.  It’s been 3 years of life lived without her.  The lightning did strike.  The dog did bite.  It’s soul deep, and yet the next breath comes. Another breath in the reality of this brokenness.  How can that be?  As if the breaths are flirting at the notion of life moving on without her.  As time has passed, it’s been painful to know life can go on without her here.

Our crazy loud dryer buzzer just went off.  Ollie had passed out minutes before and I flew down the stairs in a race to turn it off.  Tears came.  Tears of gratitude that I can meet his needs, grasp in a way to calm his fears.  To feel moments of that is divine, a gift.  But there is a dark side to the story.  My racing is simply a grasp.  God wants to be my God.  Your God.  He would be less of Himself if my grasps added anything.  And more tears in light of that reality.

The brokenness here was big enough for Jesus to die for.  And as you so beautifully articulated on the phone today, He died for Addie.  And because of His deep love for her, she’s with him today.

Only He can fill this brokenness.  Which makes the grief deeper because He asks us to wait for His voice. Waiting is broken.

We won’t always have to wait.

But in this waiting season, the distance between Atlanta and Orlando has felt farther this week.  And I just want to sit beside you and hug your neck and cry and listen to you talk about her and listen to you sit in silence because of her.

I want to see her through your mama eyes of 3 years.

You’ve always done that well and I can’t wait to meet her.

Love you,

Jen

Friends

April 14, 2012

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Easter 2012

 

 

 

Atticus, Boys, Catcher, Easter, Family, Oliver, Tee, Thom

April 11, 2012

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Day 1 and day 2 of potty training Ollie in pictures

I’m doing what today? No thanks.

Tee and Catch step in to show Ollie the ropes.

So does daddy.

“it’s not coming out”

He gets worn out early day one.

And does a ton of drinking for so little peeing in the potty.

But oh that tushy is cute!

And pulling up that underwear a feat!

Catcher was so sweet with his instructions.

But Ollie only thought the potty was a seat.

Catch and Tee had some afternoon art while Ollie and Attie napped.

Attie has been a smiley ball of preciousness.

And Ollie a complete ham. Cackle.

Here we are day 2, rocking awesome hair.

And resting after taking a huge crap on the floor.

But then, the sun began to glimmer. Hope began to breath. Doves began to call.

And after watching Tee water a bush.

I caught the best moment of the last 48 hours. It was GLORIOUS.

Goodnight day 2, you kicked my butt all the way to the end. But undies we are in and in undies we’ll stay. Tomorrow, let’s poop in the potty. Ready, set, GO OLLIE!

Oliver

potty training

March 27, 2012

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I’m really proud of myself, toddler style proud

At 2:45am there was a whimpering, squishy two and  a half-year old shivering at the foot of my bed, “mommy there’s something in my pants“.  I jumped up before my eyes were open, happy to find him only wet and the rest of his accident puddled next to his potty in the hallway.

Lord thank you for hardwood floors and tile throughout our house.

Ollie was insistent that he cuddle with me in my bed.  It didn’t go over so well when I put him back on his pallet.  Gotta be potty trained to make it into this bed bubba.

He was crying and resistant and I was tired and delirious.  And then I remembered, I have a husband!  He’s also your daddy! Best news ever!

Thom, very willingly, laid with Ollie on his pallet until he was back, fast asleep.

Ahh, my bed felt so great.  The morning still seemed far enough away.

The tossing set in.  The turning set it.  Getting cold.  My belly was growling.  No man to cuddle with.  No dry toddler to cuddle with.  And my belly was getting louder.

I finally walked downstairs, realizing my blood sugar was low and let’s go ahead and appease for sleeps sake.

As I’m waiting for the water to boil for some soft-boiled eggs, I grabbed a fistful of Fruit Loops–a box near by bought for the sole purpose of boys pee pee target practice.

Huge hit with the older, already potty trained, children.  Ollie?  Couldn’t care less.

Ugh.  That first bite of sugared food die and corn with more sugar was gag worthy. And I used to love crap cereal.

I grabbed the box and read the ingredients.  Sugar is first?!  Red die #40! Corn crap this and corn crap that.  Some crap soluble fiber. And don’t forget some anonymous crap hydrogenated oil.  Why can’t they decide between cottonseed, soybean or coconut in the hydrogenated form?  They give you options that they used one of the three, but why are they giving me options?  As if any of the three will kill me more slowly than the next.  Just tell me which plastic, artery killing, genetically modified ingredient you used already.

The Fruit Loops were a  massive disappointment.

At this point, I’m watching my water start to boil.  It was a moment in my life.  All bleary eyed and YES(!) I watched a pot and it DID(!) start to boil!

My mouth was so dry from that cereal.  I went to grab my water bottle and stopped.

Wait, I shouldn’t have water at night, I’ll have to pee.

Yall, I SET THE WATER DOWN.

And then, it took a moment, I AM POTTY TRAINED.  What the hell!  Give me that water!

The eggs were the best thing I’ve ever eaten.  And then back to bed with a slight feeling of success at the realization that at least I am potty trained.  And clearly, I was gonna need more sleep.

 

Oliver

potty training

March 27, 2012

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